Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed,
honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during ahold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did somethingthat can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the triggeragain. This time it worked. And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machineand after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look forhimself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim wasapproved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during ablizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find someone else had taken thespace. Understandably, he shot the person.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabweanbus driver foundthat the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went toa nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He thendelivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that thepatients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deceptionwasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head woundsreceived from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, thelad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his headto a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, andasked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gunand asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on thecounter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someonepoints a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'djust throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, andrun. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knockinghim unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole eventwas caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed herpurse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to givethem a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the policeapprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positiveID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole thepurse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a BurgerKing in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. Theclerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register withouta food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren'tavailable for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STARSTUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on aSeattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for..Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted totrying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home'ssewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press chargessaying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

1 - First Important Lesson -

Cleaning Lady.
During my second month of college, our professor Gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student
And had breezed through the questions until I read The last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the Cleaning woman several times. She was tall, Dark-haired and in her 50's, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question Blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if The last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely, " said the professor.. "In your careers, You will meet many people. All are significant.. They Deserve your attention and care, even if all you do Is smile and sa y "hello.." I've never forgotten that lesson.. I also learned her Name was Dorothy.

2. - Second Important Lesson -

Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American Woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway Trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had Broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally Unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960's. The man Took her to safety, helped her get assistance and Put her into a taxicab. <>She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his Address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a Knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a Giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A Special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway The other night. The rain drenched not only my Clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying Husband's' bedside just before he passed away... God Bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving Others." Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 - Third Important Lesson -

Always remember those Who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, A 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and Sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in Front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and Studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the Waitress w as growing impatient.. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied. The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on The table and walked away The boy finished the ice Cream, paid the cashier and left.. When the waitress Came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the Table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, Were two nickels and five pennies.. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had To have enough left to leave her a tip.

4 - Fourth Important Lesson. -

The obstacle in Our Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a Roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if Anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the King's' wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by And simply walked around it.. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did Anything about getting the stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of Vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the r o ad. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand! Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

5 - Fifth Important Lesson -

Giving When it Counts...

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his s ister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away". Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

Pirate Name

Lazy Eye Beatrice

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

Sesame Chicken and Vegetables

12 ounces skinless, boneless chicken breasts
2 tablespoons soy sauce
2 tablespoons chicken broth
2 tablespoons chopped green onion
1 tablespoon snipped parsley
1 tablespoon rice vinegar
1-1/2 teaspoons sesame seed
1 clove garlic, minced
1-1/2 teaspoons grated fresh ginger
1 tablespoon sesame oil
1-1/2 cups thinly bias-sliced carrots
1 cup jicama, cut into thin, bite-sized strips
6 ounces fresh medium pea pods, strings removed or one 6-ounce package frozen pea pods
Hot cooked brown rice

Directions :

Cut chicken into bite-sized strips. For marinade, in a shallow nonmetallic dish combine soy sauce, chicken broth, green onion, parsley, rice vinegar, sesame seed, garlic, and ginger. Add chicken to marinade, stirring to coat. Cover and chill for 1 hour.

Add 1 tablespoon sesame oil to wok or 12-inch skillet. Preheat over medium-high heat (add more oil if necessary during cooking). Stir-fry carrots in hot oil for 1 minute. Add jicama and fresh pea pods (if using); stir-fry about 2 to 3 minutes more or until crisp-tender. Remove vegetables from wok. Drain chicken, reserving marinade. Add chicken to wok; stir-fry for 2 to 3 minutes or until no longer pink. Push chicken from center of wok.

Add reserved marinade to center of wok. Cook and stir until bubbly. Return cooked vegetables to wok. Add frozen pea pods (if using). Stir to coat. Cook and stir about 1 minute more or until heated through. Serve immediately over hot cooked brown rice, spooning sauce over top.

Makes 4 servings.

R.I.P.

John Dye

11/31/1963 to 1/10/2011

He was the Angel of Death in the show

"Touched by an Angel"

Icebergs on Lake Michigan!

NATURAL BEAUTY ON THE LAKES...........

Amazing striped icebergsIcebergs in Lake Michigan sometimes have stripes, formed by layers of snow that react to different conditions.

Blue stripes are often created when a crevice in the ice sheetfills up with melt water and freezes so quickly that no bubbles form.When an iceberg falls into the lake, a layer of water canfreeze to the underside.

If this is rich in algae, it can form a green stripe.

Brown, black and yellow lines are caused by sediment, picked upwhen the ice sheet grinds downhill towards the lake.

Frozen Wave Pixs -

Nature is amazing!

The water froze the instant the wave broke through these.

That's what it is like in Lake Michigan where it is thecoldest weather in decades Water freezes the instantit comes in contact with the air. The temperature of thewater is already some degrees below freezing.Just look at how the wave froze in mid-air!!!

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' , that will bring on a 'whatever')
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying GO TO HELL
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Toothbrushes

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath
... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"

Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you something shitty, but looks good, for free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth." The teacher was speechless. .. . . . . . ..

Little Johnny got 5 stars for his efforts, bless his heart. . ..

GLOBAL FACTS ABOUT SEX At Any Given Moment: FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now! FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing. FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex. FACT: 1 elderly person is reading emails. You hang in there, Sunshine

God is good!

TRUCK WRECK Read the caption on the first photo, then look at the second photo.

Look at the picture above and you can see where this driver
broke through the guardrail, on the right side of the culvert,
where the people are standing on the road, pointing.

The pick-up was traveling about 75 mph from right to left
when it crashed through the guardrail.

It flipped end-over-end bounced off and across the culvert outlet,
and landed right side up on the left side of the culvert,
facing the opposite direction from which the driver was traveling.

The 22-year-old driver and his 18-year-old passenger
were unhurt except for minor cuts and bruises.

Just outside Flagstaff , AZ , on U.S. Hwy 100.

If God isn’t done with you, God isn’t done with you…

Wichita gets 2 feet of snow

A Thought for the Day [Kindly sent in by John Morris]

A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, 'Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.'

The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.

The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.

The Lord said, 'You have seen Hell.'They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one.

There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.

The holy man said, 'I don't understand.'

'It is simple,' said the Lord. 'It requires but one skill. You see they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.'

AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH

May there always be work for your hands to do;

May your purse always hold a coin or two;

May the sun always shine on your windowpane;

May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;

May the hand of a friend always be near you;

May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

Her Fourth Marriage


The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained.................

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

We got rid of the suburban yesterday and

this is Dave' new toy.

"THE BROOKS REPORT" SO THIS IS WHAT OBAMA AND THE CHINESE WHERE UP TO, SEND THIS TO EVERYONE ON YOUR LIST, WRITE LETTERS TO THE EDITOR AND GET THE WORD OUT...VIRGINIATHANKS TO

:From: Second Amendment Committee

To: Second Amendment CommitteeSent: Sunday, January 23, 2011 3:24 PM

Subject: URGENT! URGENT! READ IMMEDIATELY! URGENT!

This is an urgent message! Read this and spread the word!

Subject: Foreign Trade Zones.

This is unbelievable at first, but you will soon realize that there are several motives for the global communists to physically weave our United States territory together with communist China. Read On! Here's what is going on!Each and every one of our state governors has approved and allocated a certain amount of acres of their U.S. state land to be inhabited by Chinese communists --communists straight from China! They are to set up little towns and live here, supposedly for the purpose of producing Chinese products for sale in the U.S.A. The land the states are giving them for their little towns will be considered "foreign territory"!!! We are told that the laws of the state (in which these Chinese communists dwell) will apply to the communist Foreign Trade Zone (FTZ). Comment: If so, why are they allowed in here!??! Isn't the whole set up unlawful??? There are 257 of these little communist towns to be built all over the United States. Go to this website and see the list of the states, and how many FTZ's are to be erected in each and every state! Our nation is being peppered all over with these communist closed towns called "zones"! This insane brainstorm by Washington, D.C. officials was just recently discovered by alert citizens in the State of Idaho, where an FTZ is being built there, just south of Boise, Idaho, possibly 30,000 acres of Idaho is going to be used for that FTZ.

Check this site quickly before it is removed:http://ia.ita.doc.gov/ftzpage/letters/ftzlist-map.html

When you get to this website, be prepared by having enough paper to print 40 pages, listing all the FTZ's to be built over the whole United States! 257 of these FTZ's! It is absolute insanity!! How gullible are we??? The excuse given for creating communist towns all over our nation is that these Chinese people will produce products for sale in the United States, and the FTZ will eliminate overseas shipping costs of the products they create! A bizarre excuse!!! Can't we manufacture our own products anymore with American workers? How foolish are we to allow this??? Remember the hard-learned lesson taught to gullible people back in ancient times, when the Trojan Horse was built and they pulled it past their protective gates??? Do we Americans look THAT STUPID to the Chinese and to our Washington,D.C. leaders??? It will not mean jobs for Americans. All the help will be Chinese! Besides, it is to be classed as "foreign territory", remember! You won't know what is really going on inside the enclave. Is there any danger for Americans to allow this? What do you think?!!! It is a known fact that China has been preparing for war against the United States! Many guns are pointed at us. Why should these FTZ's be allowed??? What is the real reason?? Is it that Washington, D.C. needs foreign help to disarm American citizens (who have privately-owned firearms) so that the federal administration can comply with Public Law 87-297, signed into law by J.F. Kennedy for "general and complete disarmament of the United States"? It is a law continually financed by Washington, D.C. That's the law that calls for us to have no more army, no more navy, and no more air force, all of which is to be transferred over on a permanent basis to the communist-dominated United Nations! That law also prohibits all firearms from being owned by American citizens! Without firearms, there will be no more liberty, freedom, or justice in government. Guns are the main core of the check and balance system. Our nation's founders realized that firearms in the possession of the people are the indispensible safeguard upon which all of the other rights in the "Bill of Rights" depend! That's why the Second Amendment was meant to be honored, treasured, and preserved! Some people are wondering if the American land in these FTZ's is being given as collateral for the huge debt we owe to China? Some people are asking: "Does China own us and is our land collateral in case we don't pay the debt?" China is allowing American businesses to get established in China as FTZ's. Americans must build the structures in China, and they must employ all Chinese people to do the work in what is built there. After a short amount of years, the Americans must vacate, leave the buildings and let the Chinese keep the technology and the active operation as on-going. What this amounts to is transferring American technology and management to communist China. FTZ's are also known as SEZ's (Special Economic Zones) Please relay this information to all your friends. Someone has to answer for this on state and federal levels! What a set-up for sabotage, espionage, and a study on how to take over the whole United States in a war! Because the newspapers and other media are controlled, they will not be reporting on this unless there is a great public outcry. Remember when being a communist was a punishable crime in the U.S.A. My, how we have changed! Complete reversal. Best to take this information to local public officials as well as all your contacts.

Please do not delay spreading this information. Check with Idaho Eagle Forum also for updates http://www.eagleforum.org/
__________________

NOW THAT IS FUNNY I DON’T CARE WHO YOU ARE……

FOR SALE riding lawn mower

Notice, it even has a headlight ! So be careful what you ask for !

My Wife always wanted a riding lawn mower.She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work and thought that a riding lawn mower would help her get the yard work done quicker so she would have more time for the chores inside the house.SO, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a riding lawn mower. I guess I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a big hug.

To this day I have never been able to understand why some women are so hard to please .

Dave, Ed, and I went this morning and took our

Concealed weapons class. I will be packing here soon.