The Williams Family

Texas Chili

>> Chili Judge
>> If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
>> for you.
>> I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to
>> paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .
>> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
>> first two judges, the reaction of the third
>> judge is even better.
>> For those of you who live in Texas , you know how true this is. They
>> actually have a Chili Cook-off
>> about the time Halloween comes around.
>> It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City
>> Park .
>>>> Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
>> visiting from Springfield , IL . Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be
>> selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in
>> sick at
>> the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's
>> table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came
>> in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
>> wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have
>> free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
>>>> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

>>>> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
>> Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>> Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>> Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
>> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
>> flames out.
>> I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

>>>> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
>> Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>> Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>> seriously.>> Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
>> I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
>> wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
>> when they saw the look on my face.

>>>> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
>> Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>> Judge # 2 - A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>> Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
>> feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
>> now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
>> now my
>> backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
>> all of the beer.

>>>> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
>> Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>> Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
>> or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>> Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
>> to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid,
>> was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
>> starting
>> to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
>> aphrodisiac?

>>>> CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
>> Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
>> adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>> Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
>> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>> Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
>> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
>> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
>> had given
>> me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
>> directly on
>> it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks
>> me off
>> that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

>>>> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
>> Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>> spices and peppers.
>> Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
>> Superb.
>> Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
>> sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
>> will eat through
>> the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.
>> Can't feel my
>> lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

>>>> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
>> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>> chili peppers
>> at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #
>> 3.
>> He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>> Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>> like it is made
>> of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed
>> out of my mouth. My
>> pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
>> they'll know
>> what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw
>> it; I'm not getting
>> any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
>> hole in my
>> stomach.

>>>> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
>> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
>> bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>> Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
>> hot.
>> Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
>> fell over and
>> pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to
>> make it. Poor feller,
>> I wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
>> Judge # 3 - No Report *>>